How to set healthy boundaries: an expert guide
Amelia Jean Hershman-Jones
Wellness
Reading time: 8 minutes
Are you a people pleaser & find yourself saying yes to too many things? We ask an expert how to set boundaries at work, with friends & in our relationships for healthier personal & professional lives
Do you find it tricky to set boundaries? We hear you. Whether at work or closer to home, balancing the needs of others with our own is by no means easy, but learning a few key skills (and phrases) can go a long way in supporting our mental health and prevent resentment from building up when our limits have been pushed.
Our health is as individual as we are – and the personal boundaries each of us feels comfortable with can look different from that of our friends, family members and even our partner.
Here, an expert reveals how to set boundaries and what to say when setting them, without feeling guilty, harming the positive bonds you’ve formed with friends or putting your mental health at risk.
What are boundaries?
First of all: what are the intangible ‘boundaries’ we’re talking about here?
“Boundaries are our own set of personal rules around what makes us feel safe, comfortable and healthy – mentally and physically,” explains Anna Mathur, psychotherapist and bestselling author of Know Your Worth.
“They reflect how we like to be treated and communicated with by others, portray what feels acceptable to us and include physical and emotional boundaries.
“They dictate how close we can get to others or how close we allow others to get to us.”
Consider it an invisible form of self-care
Why is maintaining healthy boundaries important?
Consider it an invisible form of self-care. “We need boundaries to make us feel safe and alert us to moments in which others challenge or overlook them,” explains Anna.
“Boundaries can even save our lives as they trigger an internal alarm system to notify us when we might be doing something physically dangerous. Ideally, our boundaries are set in places that keep us safe and well, mentally and physically.”
What are the different types of boundaries?
There are two main types of boundaries: fixed and flexible. “A non-negotiable or fixed boundary isn’t open to compromise. If someone chooses not to respect it, then it can harm the progression or health of a relationship,” explains Anna. “They’re often focused on things that threaten life, health or have a large impact on wellbeing.”
Whereas a negotiable or flexible boundary “communicates a preference and acts as a guideline”, says Anna. “You can move or amend them depending on the circumstance, for example, ‘I feel disrespected when someone is late, unless they have a reason for it.’
“Challenging these boundaries doesn’t mean that a relationship can’t be sustained, but if someone was to challenge them repeatedly, it might gradually erode the relationship.”
Our boundaries are preferences; they’re an opportunity for others to respect our needs and feelings
Where can you set boundaries?
The good news is that you can set them wherever and for whoever you want. “Boundaries can be set for anyone, in order to reflect the different types of relationships we have,” says Anna.
“For example, you might have different preferences for how your child speaks to you to how your colleague speaks to you. A toddler might shout and throw a toy when you enforce a boundary, but if your colleague shouted and threw something at you, this would feel unacceptable.
“Our boundaries are preferences; they’re an opportunity for others to respect our needs and feelings. We can control how we enforce or communicate our boundaries. For example, you could say: ‘It’s not OK for you to shout at me in this way,’ but we can’t control whether someone chooses to respect our boundaries and wishes.
“What’s more, we can set boundaries around many different areas of our lives and minds to communicate needs, preferences or limits,” says Anna..
Here are a few of Anna’s examples of boundaries you can set and what to say to help set them in your day-to-day life:
• Physical boundaries: I like hugging family members, but I feel uncomfortable hugging strangers.
• Emotional boundaries: I’m happy to talk to my close friends about my childhood, but not with my colleagues.
• Sexual boundaries: I’ll kiss someone on a first date, but it takes me longer to feel comfortable having sex with a new person.
• Intellectual boundaries: I enjoy debating politics, but when people refuse to listen to my opinion, I remove myself from the conversation.
• Material boundaries: I’m happy to pay for a friend’s coffee, but I don’t loan money to friends.
• Non-negotiable boundaries: I do not harm animals.
• Time boundaries: It’s acceptable to be a few minutes late.
Unhealthy boundaries are fuelled by fear or hurt
What’s an example of an unhealthy boundary?
Boundaries help protect us, but there can be times when they may prevent people getting close to us. “Unhealthy boundaries are fuelled by fear or hurt,” explains Anna.
“For example, if someone’s sense of trust in another person has been abused. The healthy boundary that states ‘I allow myself to be more honest with those I trust’, may be replaced by the unhealthy boundary of ‘I never let anyone get emotionally close to me’.”
Other unhealthy boundaries might be ones that don’t allow for humanness, error or curveballs. “You might say: ‘I like it when my friends respond to messages.’ But when it turns into ‘I am very offended if a friend doesn’t immediately reply to my text messages’ – that’s an unhealthy expectation or boundary.”
Anna explains how to help make the distinction: “Being able to set healthy boundaries helps sustain healthy relationships. Unhealthy boundaries can actually hinder them, as they can get in the way of developing, nurturing and enjoying relationships that feel good and respectful for both parties, be it in work or social settings,” she says.
Steps to set, communicate & uphold boundaries with your partner, at work & with friends
Good news – boundary setting in all social settings can follow the same format. Here, Anna uses the workplace to show us how this is possible:
- Know what your boundaries are: Consider scenarios that might arise in the workplace and consider what your negotiable and non-negotiable boundaries are.
Think about workload, social conduct, work hours and any other dynamics that impact how you feel at and around work. The same goes for friendships, family and romantic relationships. - Note how you feel when these boundaries are challenged: Do you notice a physical reaction akin to stress or anxiety? Perhaps you recognise a feeling of rage bubbling up. Maybe you observe a sense of resentment or frustration when reflecting on an incident of challenge or disrespect.
This is your internal alarm system. The better able we are to notice it, the more control we will have over how we communicate the boundary. - What to say when someone crosses your boundaries: Try to be transparent and communicate the role you play at work and the limits you have around it. For example: ‘I don’t work on Fridays. I will not check my emails, but I’m happy to be contacted via phone call in an emergency.’
- Talk about it: If you feel a boundary is being repeatedly challenged, consider whether the boundary is set in the right place for the circumstance and invite the other person to have a conversation in which you clearly state the boundary.
If this is difficult, you may wish to consult a line manager or invite someone to mediate the conversation.
Giving people an opportunity to state their boundaries can feel very supportive
Recognising & respecting the boundaries of others
While understanding our own boundaries is the first step (we’re all for putting on our own oxygen mask first), the next is to understand the boundaries of others.
“While some will be aligned across cultures and contexts, so we can get a good gauge on what those around us might expect from us, others are very personal to the individual,” explains Anna.
You may experience situations in which the boundaries of others feel confusing or hurtful.
“Perhaps we make a joke that feels appropriate to us, yet seems to cause offence. We all give physical or verbal clues and cues that we’re feeling uncomfortable, so observe whether the other person might have stopped talking, has retreated somehow or seems to be shuffling awkwardly.
“It can be helpful to open up an honest dialogue if you sense that someone’s boundaries might be challenged,” suggests Anna.
“Giving them an opportunity to state their boundaries can feel very supportive. For example: ‘I feel like I might have offended you. Can you let me know if this is true, or what I can do differently in this situation?’”
Be mindful that in the same way we may have unhealthy boundaries that we’ve put up to protect ourselves, others will have done the same.
“We might not always understand why someone has their boundaries in a certain place, but in some situations, we might be able to extend kindness and empathy.”
