If you’re concerned that your child may be struggling, Alex Gray, service head of Childline, shares his top tips on how to start the conversation
The last few years have provided a huge amount of upheaval – particularly for our young people – as they’ve tried to navigate life through a pandemic.
Recent Childline stats* provide a glimpse of the toll it’s taken. From 1 April 2020 to 31 March 2021, the service carried out 73,088 counselling sessions about mental or emotional health and nearly 6,000 of these were with children aged 11 or under – an increase of nearly a third when compared to the year before.
If you’ve noticed your child hasn’t been their usual self, is feeling sad and you’re worried about them, know that you’re not alone. Here are some ways to broach the subject and open up the conversation in order to best support their mental health.
Recognising issues
It can be hard for parents and carers to recognise when a child needs support with their feelings, because some signs of mental health issues may look like normal child behaviour. For example, tantrums in younger children or teenagers keeping feelings to themselves. And we know from speaking to children via Childline that it can be difficult for them to speak out about the challenges they’re facing.
It’s important to know the signs to look out for that your child might be struggling, so you can begin supporting them as early as possible. Remember, every child is different, and you know your child best so it can be helpful to think about what’s normal for your child and if they’ve been behaving differently recently.
Signs may include:
• Persistent low mood
• Not enjoying things they used to like doing
• Changes in social habits, such as withdrawal or avoidance of friends and family
• Unexplained physical changes, such as weight gain or loss
• Changes in eating or sleeping habits.
Responding
If you’re concerned your child may be struggling, it’s important not to wait for them to talk to you before trying to start a conversation. We know some parents may feel worried about having this conversation and may not know where to begin, so here are some tips on how to talk to your child about how they’re feeling.
Reassure them they’re not alone
Let them know you’re there and on their side. This will help your child feel less alone and will remind them they can talk to you about anything without judgement. When they do open up to you, it’s important you recognise that their feelings are valid and reassure them it’s OK to be honest.
Try a new way of communicating
For some children, talking about their feelings can be difficult and some may not feel comfortable doing so in person. If this is the case for your child, you could try communicating with them in a different way, such as over text or on the phone. Although it’s important to talk to your child about what they’re experiencing, you don’t want to put any pressure on them, so do it in a way that’s most comfortable for them.
Choose an appropriate time & safe space
Before asking your child about how they’re feeling, it’s important to think about where and when you will have this conversation.
It’s essential you do it when you have plenty of time and don’t have to rush off to do something as you don’t know how long the conversation will be. Your child may also need longer than you anticipate.
Privacy is also important as your child may be anxious or less willing to open up to you if there’s a chance they could be interrupted. So, make sure you do it at a time when there won’t be any distractions or other people listening in.
Also, think about a relaxed and neutral place where you can have the conversation and pick somewhere you know your child will feel calm, such as on a walk.
Stay calm
Be patient and stay calm and approachable, even if you feel otherwise. If a child thinks you’re upset or angry, they may feel worried about what they’ve talked about and may stop sharing their feelings moving forward.
Find healthy ways to cope together
Think of healthy ways to cope that you can do together, such as breathing exercises or yoga. This can help calm a child down, particularly if they’re feeling stressed or anxious.
You can also encourage them to do something every day that they enjoy and makes them feel good, such as listening to music, reading or doing art. Or encourage them to do something new to help build their self-esteem.
Remind them where else they can get support.
Remind your child of the other trusted adults in their life that they can talk to. Some children may prefer to speak to a teacher or a Childline counsellor about how they’re feeling before they share it with a parent or carer.
Often, this isn’t a reflection on a child’s relationship with their parent or carer, they just find it easier to talk to someone they don’t know and some might be worried about upsetting their loved ones. Any child can call Childline on 0800 1111 or get in touch online at childline.org.uk.
It could also be a good idea to tell them about the Childline message boards, where they can connect with their peers. This can be a great way for young people to get advice from their peers and sharing experiences can help them feel less alone.
Getting further support
If things continue to get worse and if they begin to feel depressed or have suicidal feelings, there’s lots of different types of support available.
Contacting a GP
GPs may be able to diagnose mental health conditions, suggest next steps and provide medication if deemed appropriate.
Child & adolescent mental health services (CAMHS)
Across the UK, CAMHS is a free NHS service for children and young people that aims to help with mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, self-harm and eating disorders. Parents, teachers, social workers and your GP can refer a young person to CAMHS.
Counselling & therapeutic services
Counselling services are available to help children and young people with their mental health. Services can include helplines, one-to-one counselling sessions in person, online or by phone, as well as online chats and forums. These services are available through a range of fee-paying and free services including schools and the NHS.
Childline
Children and young people can get free, confidential support from a Childline counsellor via online chat, email or phone. Childline is here to listen and provide advice to any concerns about topics, ranging from exam stress to depression and suicidal thoughts.
Found this useful? You may also want to read our guide on how to help your child with anxious feelings.
