What challenges do fathers face in 2022? As attitudes to male parenting change, we find out from four dads what fatherhood means to them
The additional needs dad
Colin Etherington, 49, lives in Kent with his fiancé Sarah, 47, and their daughter Marnie, 4, who has Down’s syndrome
Someone asked me recently if I could take away Marnie’s Down’s syndrome, would I? Absolutely not, was my response. To me, my daughter is perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing about her.
I come from a tight-knit family and always wanted to be a dad but despite having relationships in my twenties and thirties, I never met the right woman. By 2014, when I was 41, I’d begun to worry fatherhood might never happen for me.
Then I met Sarah at a party. Although she was 40, and had two children from a previous relationship, I was so happy when she revealed she’d love another.
In the summer of 2017, Sarah became pregnant but at the 12-week scan we were told there was a high chance our baby had Down’s syndrome. Further tests confirmed the diagnosis a week later. I felt shocked, anxious about our baby’s health, but not for a moment did my love for her waver. Sarah felt exactly the same and we agreed a termination wasn’t an option.
I’ll never forget the feelings of love, pride and protectiveness I experienced when I first held Marnie after her birth in March 2018. I was a father, and she was my daughter. It was an unforgettable moment. We’re fortunate that Marnie’s health is excellent and although it has sometimes taken her longer to reach milestones, she’s such a determined little girl she’s hit them all, and will start mainstream school this year. Marnie is just the best little girl in the world. She’s such a chatterbox and with a smile that lights up the room. She makes me the proud dad that I am today. She’s definitely a daddy’s girl, and looks to me daily for support and giggles. We have a strong father and daughter bond.
We’re also lucky that Marnie has two wonderful role models in Sarah’s two older children, Charlie, 24, and Freya, 21. She couldn’t wish for a better brother and sister. My dream for Marnie is that she’ll be able to lead an independent life when she’s an adult, but I know she’ll need me for longer than other children. I’m determined to be a fit and well dad for her in years to come. When I come home from work and she throws her arms around me, I feel like my heart will burst with pride.
The triplets dad
Davidson Shillingford, 54, is a stay-at-home dad and lives in North London with his partner Summer, 43, and their four children, Violet, 8, and triplets, Otis, Rocco and Prince, 19 months.
If I had a pound for every time someone says to me, “I don’t know how you do it” I’d be a rich man! In our local area, my identical triplet sons are like mini celebrities – they even have their own Instagram account (@identical_triplet_mama). When I take them to the park in their “wagon” – as I call their triple buggy – it’s such a spectacle, people love to stop and chat. I don’t mind at all.
The boys were conceived by IVF in October 2019. Our eldest daughter Violet is also an IVF baby. It took eight rounds to conceive her, and a further four attempts before Summer became pregnant with the triplets. Summer was six weeks pregnant when a scan revealed she was carrying three babies, all in the same sac.
I remember staring at the screen in shock, but also utter amazement. Summer’s pregnancy was an anxious one. We knew there was a higher risk of miscarriage, and were offered a selective termination of one baby to give the other two a better chance of survival. We refused and decided what would be, would be.
As the weeks went by, it hit me that we would have three babies to care for at once. It was daunting, but I couldn’t wait to meet them. On 18 May 2020, the boys were delivered by caesarean at 32 weeks, weighing between 2lb 6oz and 4lb 1oz. As each was born, healthy and crying, I felt an incredible sense of relief after months of worry, and was delighted to realise I had three sons.
They spent five weeks in hospital before coming home, where Summer’s mum helped us with the non-stop nappy changes, feeds and burping. When they were nine months old, Summer returned to work as an estate agent and I became a stay-at-home dad. Being a dad of triplets is exhausting, but wonderful.
To avoid home life being chaotic, routine is essential. My days are filled with feeding, playing, taking them out and doing housework while they nap. It’s full on, and friends tell me they couldn’t do it, but I feel very lucky to spend this time with them. There was a time we worried we’d never have children, so to now be a family of six feels such a blessing.
The gay dad
Sam Langley-Swain, 37, lives in Warwickshire with his husband Rob, 39, and their adopted sons, Tom*, 15, and Harry*, 13
Saying goodnight to my sons, gently closing their bedroom door, is a moment I’ll never forget. It was late 2014 and our first night together as a family, after Tom and Harry had moved into our home, completing our adoption process.
Rob and I had a civil partnership in 2010 and two years later, applied to become adoptive parents. Some same-sex couples use a surrogate, but knowing there were so many children in the care system who needed loving homes, adoption felt like the right choice for us.
Looking back, I was naive about adopting. Not the process itself, which I knew could be lengthy and complex, and I’d anticipated that we would be throwing ourselves wholeheartedly into research and preparation, and meeting with panels to prove we could be loving parents. But I hadn’t counted on how hard it was to be “matched” with the right child.
We read hundreds of profiles, and had home visits, but it wasn’t until an activity day in summer 2014, where we met brothers Tom and Harry, that we and their foster carers felt there was chemistry. I came away from that day excited, with a feeling we’d met our future sons, but also anxious because there were no guarantees that social services would agree.
Thankfully they did and within a few months, after spending more time together, we formally adopted the boys and became their dads.
Being an adoptive dad is full of ups and downs. In the past six years, we’ve shared amazing times, like family holidays (taking my wildlife obsessed boys around the world) and seeing them thrive at school. But also hard, emotional periods when they’ve reflected on their life before us and struggled with how that impacts them now.
Because of their age, they have some trauma, and I can’t change that, but what I can do is reassure them as much as I can, that their present and future is filled only with love and security. I’ve never encountered any direct prejudice being a gay dad, in fact I sometimes notice people smiling knowingly when they see us out as a family.
As a result of having two dads, the boys are passionate about diversity and understand families come in all shapes and sizes. Inspired by their journey, in 2017 I decided to set up my own publishing company, Owlet Press, specialising in inclusive books, so that all kinds of children are reflected and celebrated in stories. I look at my sons, who are fast growing into young men, and I feel so proud to be their dad.
The stepdad
Chris Saynor, 46, lives in Hertfordshire with his wife Vicky, 46, and their children Poppy, 16, Felix, 13, Mylo, 11, and Willow, 10.
Mylo was three when Vicky and I started dating in 2013, after meeting online. I was divorced with three children, and she was a single parent, too, after separating from Mylo’s dad, who lives abroad. I understood, just as Vicky did, that we each came as a package with our children. That never fazed me. I loved Vicky, she loved Mylo, and so there was no question I’d love Mylo, too. And I really do. I’ve watched him grow from a toddler into a boy.
He has different interests to my other kids, such as the passion we both share for football – we love to play at the same club (him in the Under 12s and me in the Veterans), and go to matches to see our hometown team, Portsmouth FC. He’s such a kind, fun young man, and it’s been a privilege to play a part in bringing him up. I feel very lucky.
Of course, being a step-parent isn’t always plain sailing. When Vicky and I moved in together with all the children, it wasn’t seamless. Mylo and Felix were very young with different personalities, and clashed a lot. That put pressure on mine and Vicky’s relationship, and it was a steep learning curve on how to treat all the children fairly, giving them the same love and attention. In between this, we were busy running our luxury self-catering business, Bethnal&Bec.
Even now, nine years later, I still question whether I’m getting it right. But doubt is just part and parcel of step-parenthood, because you want to do your best by everyone. I’ve always wanted Mylo to feel the same in my eyes as my own children – because he is – without them being jealous or feeling pushed out by our relationship. It’s a constant juggling act, and I hope I’ve been successful.
As his stepdad, I’ve helped Mylo through some difficult times. We live in a predominantly white area and he’s been the subject of cruel comments from other children because he’s mixed race. I’ve tried hard to teach him that he’s not the problem, the bullies are.
In 2018, Vicky was diagnosed with breast cancer, and Mylo was very worried about his mum. It was a terrible time for us all, but it brought he and I even closer together. With Vicky ill, he turned to me, and we emerged from that period (thankfully after Vicky’s successful treatment) with a stronger bond. When people ask how many children I have, I always reply “four”. Mylo and I may not be related by blood, but in every way that matters, he’s my son.
